Surfing clips on Youtube again. Just watched something at the MTV Movie Awards. It‘s painfully clear that I have no idea who any of these celebrities are anymore. I just assume they‘re all in singing vampire movies. Singing vampire movies about abstinence. And kids like this stuff. Of course, kids these days are idiots. Gimme Kevin Bacon anger-dancing through an old factory any day.
Then I see Sacha Baron Cohen playing gay fashionista Bruno. He enters the theater swooping through the air on a harness. He’s wearing wings and a bedazzled jock strap. At mid-flight he has some technical difficulties and descends head first into the lap of Eminem, whom I do recognize. He‘s the joyless douchebag famous for his talky-songs about hating women. This arrangement of bodies has the remarkable effect of positioning Bruno’s genitals and ass right in the face of the rapper.
Eminem gets pissed off, then storms out of the theater.
There are two important facts about Eminem. His music sucks. And he‘s a giant turd. But I can’t really disagree with him on the point that’s it’s not fun to get publicly tea-bagged by another dude. My only complaint is that instead of laughing off the ridiculousness of the moment like we would, he lets his obsession with self importance take over. Come on, dude. Just take a good long look in your own scrapbook.
You’re not a gangster. You’re just a skinny white guy who once had birthdays and a cake and wore a pink T-shirt depicting Alf wearing X-ray glasses saying, “Hey, nice underwear!”
Now I’m on a mission and a tangent to burst people’s perceptions of who they think they are, and who we think they are. This should be fun.
Adolf Hitler. The German dictator and human embodiment of evil. History’s most famous mass murderer.
Hitler’s father was a cop who wanted little Adolf to study for a nice government job. But Adolf didn’t want to sit in a cubicle the rest of his life and work for the man. He wanted to paint cathedrals with watercolors and listen to music and be an emo. Hitler’s father died of embarrassment.
Here’s one of his paintings.
But young Adolf failed as a painter. One of the reasons is that he only did pictures of landscapes. He never liked putting people in them, and when he did, they were distant and unimportant. This was creepy. So with no steady income, he slept on park benches and ate his meals in charity kitchens. Adolf Hitler was a homeless bohemian.
But World War One changed all that. He volunteered for the army but only rose to the rank of corporal. His superior officers thought he lacked leadership qualities like intelligence and sanity. But unfortunately for history, Hitler was blessed with even better virtues. He had blind self-confidence and a limitless engine of fury.
Here’s the human embodiment of evil wearing a suit and tie, posing awkwardly with his girlfriend and saying “Did I blink that time? I think I blinked. Let’s do one more. What do I do with my hands? What if I … does this look natural? OK. Wait, I think I blinked again.”
Here you go, ladies. I can already hear panties hitting the floor. The next time you’re at a party and you see a guy who looks like a rugged and handsome Keanu Reeves with Johnny Depp hair, playing a guitar and staring at you with his big, soulful eyes . . .
. . . keep in mind that in 40 years he could very easily turn into the brutal Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin.
Here’s one for my wife. She hates, hates Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek because he always comes off like he’s a wizard who somehow knows the answer to every single question on every single subject. Sort of like me. When a contestant gets one wrong, he doesn’t even look down at the card. He just makes sympathetic eye contact with the loser and says “Ooh, I’m sorry, the Council of Perejaslav treaty was, of course, signed in 1654, not 1655.” And he has this look on his face like you’re an idiot for not knowing that.
It’s easy to assume he came out of academia somewhere, a genius with unfathomable encyclopedic knowledge who was chosen as the only man smart enough to host a quiz show where he routinely talks down to Ph.D.s like they’re kindergarteners. But, no, he’s just a TV guy.
Here he is as a smooth, hip 23-year-old hosting a show called Music Hop in 1963. He appears to be calling to a young lady to come sit on his lap. I like to think that young lady is my wife.
Tell me this guy’s beard is not full of Cheetos dust. And I’m pretty sure that a dude like this would have a nickname like “Meat” or “Boner” or “The Dude.” I think this guy used to sleep on my sofa for a few months. But alas, no. This is future President of the United States Bill Clinton and his wife, the future Senator and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.
Okay, one more. Just take a good look at this photo. Take a really CLOSE look at this photo.
“Hi, I’m Twentieth-Century Icon and Inspirational Wartime Leader Winston Churchill. And this is my penis. Go ahead, take a picture, it’s fine.”
What I enjoy most about that photo is how it’s about 10 times more disturbing than if he were simply nude. I’m imagining an alternate history where World War II broke out and he had to be immediately pulled off this beach to go address the nation, with no time to change clothes. He’s standing there before the press and talking about courage and perseverance and everyone is trying not to stare at his shrink-wrapped penis.
Anyway, this was fun. I’ve been away far too long.